Sunday, February 08, 2004

See? Saw. 

Slowly, reluctantly, surely: the heavy enormous wheels of change are beginning to stir. With a terrible racket and laborious moans, they are being set in motion. Slowly, but inevitably. The last several days, weeks, filled with tension and conflict on the workfront. Enough. Decided I was done, back in August. Decided what I'd do, once I was done, October 17th when my decision to go to Mysore revealed itself. Now, it is time. Narrowly escaping from the sometimes-seductive siren song of living a life you stumbled into and stick with because it is safe and easier than plunging and forging forward with what you really want- need- to be doing.

One day last week, after worse treatment than I would wish on anyone, took my lunch-break at home. Breathed. Cleared the head, softened the heart. When I opened my eyes, a realization: this is why those people are so awful to me. Extricating myself from this reality, this job, is tough as it is. Surely, would be virtually impossible to do, or certainly that much tougher, was I perfectly happy and working with people who were at all loyal and honorable and kind. A very different process, that would be. Perhaps one that would leave me indefinitely stuck in those patterns, those rituals. As it is, I am building towards feeling grateful the situation is as it is, allowing me to flitter and flutter long-dormant wings. Yes, it is scary. I will deal with it. The memory of how my body reacts to being in that environment, shrinking and recoiling there while it expands and blossoms everywhere else, how my personality also dims, my words quiet, silent. I will give my notice, and rejoice at never-ever setting foot back in that place.

I don't have a lot, but I have enough- it will be enough. Although I am poor here, I own a beautiful apartment in Athens and some prime beach-side property on Skyros, both in Greece. Both from m mother, who left this world when I was twelve. So, in many senses, this trip, this direction, a direct gift from her. I know she smiles as I raise my head and prepare my voice. Scary, yes. I am creating an enormous amount of faith that the universe will catch me as I ride the clouds and shoot for the sunshine. Because I am done here.

It needs to be now. I am collecting contacts for travel agents, thinking about the dates. My hand shook, just a little, as I wrote out a notice for The Shala's bulletin board: Sublet Available. $500/month. Tiny Studio. Upper West Side. 3 Months Minimum. Starting 3/1 or 4/1. Surely, someone will want to spend the summer in the City? Then the question: sublet or book flights, first? I want to fly into Bangalore and go straight to Mysore. Then, midlate summer or early September go to Greece after a little travel. See my dad, my family. It's been almost 3 years since the last time. Maria my niece was a baby, now a little girl; nephews Orpheas and Theodorus were little now big boys. A big trip, this one. Will be looking, assessing: could I envision myself moving back? Living and working there? That's likely to be a wave that's still way out at sea, barely a thought of a swell, yet. I will catch it when it is closer, see what it can do, what I can make of it. For now, so very happy building strength and growing heart enough to last for several lifetimes. That's the plan, anyway. To build and burn and grow, little by little but sometimes, it seems, in big gulps and leaps at a time. Like now. Finding courage to do and be, like I need to.

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