Saturday, May 21, 2005

This time 

Even *I* am tired of seeing the last post from December. December?!? Even though the trip to Mysore has helped shaped me, is still shaping me, it does not define me.

Nor do I plan/hope for it to be that one-off. Afer struggling with the six days a week thing, both working that many days at the restaurant and adhering to the traditional practicedays mind softened as body got strong and hard, allowing for days of rest or temperate practice with less emphasis on the fun stuff like jumpings and backbendings and more weight on focus and compassion and letting go of images and how-shoulds and expectations. Kindness has been the mot du mois, as I work every day to actively engage in some form of that to myself and others. Yes I hold doors and give freebies and share smiles and give hugs and do what I can, when I can, to help people feel good. Which is all I want to do with this life anyway.

Waitressing has taught a ton about doing things for the sake of doing them and sometimes the fruits come and it's great but it's cool when they don't, also. The reward is knowing the work was done, seeds planted. Even if- sometimes especially when- others get to enjoy the buds or blossoms. This serving people thang has a lot going for it. Perhaps though in a way that will help me allow for the asana practice to also flower along with everything else. For all the freedoms it's enabled, the waiting tables thang did not prove quite as crazy-lucrative as I'd hoped, nor my ability to be frugal as cleanly-accessible as I'd planned. Nonetheless I've been paying rent and started to make a dent in my debts and managed to put together enough to kick-off a (Non-Ashtanga) teacher training next month. For yoga. At last. It will be with a fiery lady who from the getgo, a chance workshop just before my departure for Mysore, claimed me and spoke to me in a way that left little doubt in my head and heart that this person can help me start to be the best teacher I can start to be. It's time. Whether I will pursue actually making a living out of the only thing I can, really, remains to be seen. If work is there to be had, I will take it. With love, in a purple-hued puddle of gratitude and glee. If work is not there I will be happy to keep on keepin on, as I have for the last four or six or eight years as I've been biding my time to become healthy and whole and full-hearted with enough strength and love to share and share and learning, always learning, until it is time. It feels like it's getting to be about that time. Give or take a little bit.

Last night saw the climax of Guruji and family's visit to America. The workshop completely wrung me out and spat me out and fueled and frazzled and taught and touched in ways exquisite and unexpected. It was wonder-full, from the first pink-skyed morning to the last tear-dropped evening. Friends and familiars from the Americas and beyond came to our little town for the chance to practice under the guru's eagle eye and warm smile. Did what I could, when I could, to help make folks feel warm and welcome. So glad and grateful I got to see the man I've said goodbye to in my head every time, every year, for the last four years. And for the next several many.

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