Thursday, December 04, 2003


Dreaming about smoking. Last night, getting home, dealing with Maria and her smoking while we talked, having dinner… it was hard. This morning is hard. When I’m home, every time I pass the coffee table I think I’ve misplaced my cigarette, my ashtray, my pack of smokes. Then I remember I have none of those anymore.

Will attempt a few minutes of pranayama, a few of sitting practice. In a minute there are visions and revisions which a minute can reverse. Or something close to that. I cannot believe I got up there and “did” “Prufrock” for the people at the retreat. Raw, open, exposed- felt good. Such kindness in the intro I got, which echoed Richard’s words over dinner a few days back “we need more English literature–background teachers”, or some approximation thereof. Not quite in and of this world, yet. Which is (mostly) ok. Will drop off my (3 rolls!) film en route to The Shala.

The flagship product at work is being featured on the Oprah Show today. Potentially a pretty big day for us. Still doesn’t mean Jack in terms of whether the company will survive to see ’03. Nervous about how today’ll go. All I know is, I have led class in 11 hours. That helps, and immensely. Still I think about the retreat, and Richard. Lots of spots still left for all-day intensive next month. Can I go? Mmm, coffee. As Steph aptly pointed out, even if I don’t over-eat, the weight-gain thang is a losing battle: my metabolism is no longer being sped up by the (pack-and-a-half-plus!) cigarettes and I will pile on the pounds until the body readjusts. Humbug.

Thank god it’s Thursday. Played with the Snooze button this a.m., hoping for the extra ten minutes that would allow me to emerge rested from a rest-full sleep- not to be. The first of what is anticipated to be a long string of badweather days. NYC hosting the 2012 Olympics? We have no room!! Was so wired apres-work last night, missed/skipped class, as I’m likely to do again tonight. Downpours for today and tomorrow- but then it’s the weekend. I’m doing mostly ok though. More an annoyance than the devastating loss I was experiencing last time ‘round.

Evenings are the hardest. Taut nerves, wired body. Mornings are more ok. Attempted a second night without the patch, and it’s ok- I’ll play with that some more. Talk about lasting impact- still thinking about the retreat. I was such a teacher’s pet, the me of yesterday would be amused. I needed not have been (mildly) annoyed that I got next to no adjustments from Billy, since I got a ton (by his standards, anyway) from Richard himself. I’ll feed off the tenderness with which he helped me build my blanket “terrace” for pranayama practice for a while; “and if the heart caves in, teacher will come over and make it shine again.” Or something.

At Omega for the weekend workshop: I’m happy again. Just cornered Richard at coffee early a.m. Had a few words. Apparently, not “too early” for questions. Asked the burning “what would Guruji say?” re: villoma question (answer: breath retentions too short to really be considered pranayama), and also Eddie’s as a good “cooking” school for daily practice. In a very roundabout way, got the go ahead to “check it out”. I think. What else? He’s also going to go “check things out” at Eddie’s next week. Confirmed what I’ve suspected, that I actually don’t have very many options in NYC about finding a teacher for asana practice.

The day before my birthday. The rain has stopped. Just got a lovely smile and “cheers” over coffee from Richard across the cavernous cafeteria. Actually haven’t done as poorly as I could’ve managed, as far as stealing time with teacher, in this huge place with multiple concurrent workshops and hundreds of people; had dinner with him, and post-class chat ’n’ walk to the dining hall. Hoping for some of the same today, before we go back to our respective lives. Maybe he won’t stay for the farewell lunch? Nah, he loves his students and his meals too much for that. I really do want to go next week; all-day intensive, skip work, 200 bucks. Worth it? Think I’ll talk to him about it. Happy one-month since I quit smoking to me! I’m gonna celebrate it today. It was four weeks yesterday, a month tomorrow- so.

Well, I’m 28 years old. It’s ok. Birth day itself was pretty mellow, but nice mellow. in great part thanks to Maria’s presence. Worked all day to stay balanced at work. A lot going on. Took a lovely evening vinyasa class at The Shala. Nice to shake things up a bit, defy expectations, objectify the experience. Twenty-eight. Wow. Left work with a happy heart: asked (told) the boss I need next Monday off. That’s it. As soon as I (kind of) got the ok, any doubts just dissipated into nothing. I knew I did the right thing, for me. Came home to flowers and a lovely meal and went to home completely sated, both physically and emotionally.

Endlessly busy week. Skipped evening vinyasa class to attempt to make a dent in the mountains of dirty clothes I have towering in the corner of my room. Frustrations with the boss’s callous behavior aside, work’s been more interesting than when there was less going on. We’ve had more sales in the last 2 weeks than we did over the entire summer. Although this means little in terms of the company’s long-term prospects, at least morale is a little higher, the minutes and hours of the workday go by a little faster. And, who knows- I may yet get my do-just-yoga-and-travel fantasy fund out of all this after all. I have little desire to see the ex. Remind me again, why we were going to get together? I’m still raw, still hurting. Preparing for what will hopefully be a fruitful period of bramacharya. Not necessarily in the literal sense (although likely) (VERY likely), but just moderation in thoughts + actions, a little discipline and structure to my daily life.

Can’t wait. Next week should be veeerry interesting, with Richard on Monday, and then, boom, Puck Building starting too early on Tuesday. Psyched, nervous. Can’t believe it’s time. Got an adrenaline rush out of talking to Eddie the other day. He says, taking new students “after Thanksgiving”, but we’ll see about that. Relieved with the playful repartee (the man has a sense of humor!) we had during our conversation. Can I swing 6 a.m. practice? God help me, I can do this. Free up my evenings, once I’ve adjusted to the pace. Wondering if I can / will adjust. Said farewell to first ashtanga teacher who is a student of Eddie’s. Left little unsaid. Sweet in its sadness. Always grateful to her, recognizing when it’s time to move on.

Fresh from a 15 minute (mostly) pranayama practice. Clean and clear. Such an exciting weekend: vinyasa class in a little while, the Sheraton for Guruji + Sharath’s demo tonight, The Shala tomorrow, evening vinyasa with Jessica for maybe the last time in a long while, Monday with Richard instead of work. So nice. Went to a bar for maybe the last time in a while. It did nothing for me. Smoky, hard, drank too much, ate some greasy food. Just not where I want to be, not what I want to be doing. My mind is full of goodstuff while my body’s full of not-so-good stuff.

Very short Morning Pages, splayed on my mat at the Sheraton, awaiting the start of Richard’s all-day intensive, finally. It’s been interesting, getting here. At an interesting point. Very exciting. Hard to sleep with so much going on. No room for anything else. Have a bit of a fever. Trying to not get sick- we’ll see whether and to what extent I’ll succeed. Room’s filling up nicely.

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